Going Through Changes

Putting all humility aside for a second, I've always thought of myself as cute. Not stunning or beautiful but cute. I could have never been a model but I could always hold my own amongst the pretty girls - at least in my mind. I've done alright, I think, with the opposite sex and gotten compliments here and there, now and again. Yes, I know how that sounds but bare with me because here's the problem. In 21 days I'm going to be middle aged! I have held out as long as I could on using the term 'middle-aged' because my family does live well into their 90's. Even with that 45 is half of 90!

At 45 I'm not the cute girl in the room anymore. I have to work, HARD, to maintain...well to maintain everything, really. I keep looking in the mirror asking myself what is that sparkling only to realize it's the light hitting my gray hair. The good thing about that one, however, is that my eyesight is just crazy bad. I can't really see the gray hair unless I put on my reading glasses and stand real close to the mirror.

My body keeps changing as well. I was the same size for several decades. It's only been in the last few years that I have had to buy the three completely different sizes of clothes. An entire wardrobe in three different sizes! I can go up a size in a matter of two weeks (if only I would lay off the cake, I know). With some serious work I'm still able to come back down in size but then I can't wear those cute blue pants because they are too big and that cute striped shirt cause it's too small.

Then there is the AS, kicking my AS! As I've gone through physical changes with this disease, I've still maintained my belief in my cuteness. I always figured it is why people stop and stare at me as I walk by them (side note: if you are one of those people, staring won't ever really answer the questions you have. It just makes us both uncomfortable when I catch you). There are days, however, where my belief in my cuteness starts to wane. It's hard to catch the eye of the cute young thing when you can't turn your head to bat your eyes and just the idea of flipping your (gray) hair hurts. Then there are the days when I want to give in and slouchy walk as my achy body would like, in order to relieve the pain. I know I can't do the slouchy walk if I even hope to maintain a decent posture, but man some days, cute isn't even on the radar.

Sometimes I sit and watch the cute girls of today and wonder if they realize how easy they have it? I admittedly have fond memories of those days when things happened just because you were a cute girl. A friend of mine refers to it as playing your 'girl card'. You know, when you needed something fixed or a tire changed, you go all out cute girl until some knight in shining ArmorAll comes and fixes it for you. At this point, with a stiff neck, a slight limp, gray hair, bad eyesight and my too big/too small outfit I think I'm just going to pay the automotive guy. It's so much easier, no flirting necessary, just a AAA card!

Rethinking Possible

This evening, at the event I attended, one of the speakers was talking about surviving instead of being defeated. Using the AT&T commercial he suggested that we "rethink possible".  His point was that things come along to get us down every day. Every single day there is an opportunity to either be defeated or to survive.

Years ago my sister bought us these cards with sayings on them written by Maya Angelou. The are called Life Mosaic. I have my set in the bathroom, by the mirror so I can read one of the cards every day as I'm doing my hair. They would probably be best described as affirmations. With regards to living and surviving Maya Angelou says...

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.

The discussion spoke to me as someone with a chronic illness. I think the reason I can be positive most days is because I know what I've been through over the years. There have been days when I'm barely able to get from the bed to the bathroom. Other times when people are disrespectful of me because they consider me different or unable because of the chronic illness. I find that attitudes bug me just as much as physical pain sometimes. Days when either my body is betraying me or I'm losing faith in mankind are days in which I struggle the most. Then there are other days when everything is as fine as rain. When the sun is shinning, the flowers are blooming, every song being sung is in tune, I'm happy to let the dog drag me down the street (she calls it a walk) and the fish are all swimming upstream. Remembering that those days are just around the corner helps me to get through the rough patches. During the rough days I find a comfortable position, take my meds, apply heat and think about the possibilities of tomorrow.

Today, by the way....all the fishes are swimming upstream!